having some problems with the com
the windows keep disappearing & some virus alert keep popping out
sis's bf (XH) has been trying to help me DL those anti-viral software but..appareantly..really something wrong with the com.
somehow it allows me to come blogger so here i am writing today's post
last week left in the ward, morning shifts for whole of next week.
HSE posting at Tampines Polyclinic.
super near my place but hope i'll not be late.
back to ward.kinda slack this week, though without my ITE Yr 1s
& i'm alone in that cubicle!
managed to survive but no thanks to those irritating ENs.

currently deciding which hospital to apply.
probably apply both? & also paramedic?
let's see which one reply first.

morning shift tmr.
super tired.
really dont understand myself
why? why i always unknowingly wait for him to reach home before i can slp..
SIGH..
meeting him after work tmr.
lazy to go out.

1 WEEK BREAK + 3 MONTHS PRCP! =X

should i?
i meant giving up that bloody bike pract.
but i've been at it for so long..
wasted so much money on it..
like can bear to give up..

see! this is how stubborn i can get.
super stubborn!
yes i can be very stubborn.
refusing to give up on lots of stuffs.
probably that excludes studying.
anyways should i?
i had a new admission. RTA.
pt had femur fracture.
it was so bad that the slightest movement is excruciating!!
his relatives discourages me from taking, another pt as well..
telling how jialat it is nowadays to ride a bike
anyway my pt wasnt speeding. some damn car jump bang into him.
hmmm..seeing his state..i'm really considering whether to drop it or not.
his parents was so hurt as well..
but..but..but..but..but..
give me some time to think about it..

that i can be undecisive..
but wad about us?
going 11 months soon.
our relationship has been so bored..
honestly, i cant feel the love anymore.
why cant i be less stubborn in a relationship.
it's really time to let go.
& please stop telling me u cant.
u dont love me anymore.
i'm just too bored for you.
& i feel like i'm...trying to...
AH! NEVERMIND!
i feel so dumb again & again
waiting for u to finish work
hoping u would call.
sigh.
things arent the same anymore
i dont wan to hold on to you anymore.
the life i want is not the life you want.
it's not what you can give me too
be it now, or 5 years later.
one more time, i swear i'll leave.

different team.
super lazy SN & EN.damn.
everthing ask me do.
lets not mention mimi cos she's having her PRCP.
damn sway that i'm the only student in the team.
just now when i was about to leave, i told both of them that this particuar pt has a plug on his hand for 5 days!
yet they do nothing about it, just say change tmr!
like WTF?!
u din even check his plug site, don notice it when u gave IV antibiotics
& now? fucking lazy.
wan pt to have infection izzit? or worse, phlebitis?!
fucking headache again.damn
already ate 6 panadols in the ward
maybe tmr i try get tramadol? :p
sobs..wad happen to my pea brain?!
sigh.have to sleep now
din noice it was 3 plus already
gonna be a zombie in the ward~!~!

lovely pink roses, 15 of them.
their slight sweet smell fills winnie's room
XH bought it, to make winnie happy.
AWW...so sweet of him..

soon to be 1am.
i'm still doing my case study..rushing..but not really that rush..
anyways..while i'm on it, couple of msges came in (other than his)
asking whether i'm free to club tonight, asking me to print her stuffs for her, asking me to slack with them at night..
well..this last msg recieved was from as friend whom i knew like 3 years ago?
friend read my blog. apparently aware of the state that me & bf is in, or was in.
what friend said was right.
being in this relationship, i realised i'm not longer being myself.
i allowed myself to be taken charge by bf.
willingly or not.
i wasnt like this in my previous relationships.
i am not myself anymore.
perhaps i've changed after many incidents
the wendy friend knew doesnt exist anymore.
this current wendy..is pathetic!
i know i'm not the one for him.
like i've said before, our dreams are different.
in our case.it looks like i'm the one holding on to you.
actually i've forgotten bout it..
but now as i recall..i was so disappointed.
sneaking around in my own bf's house.
& i would have to hide myself in the cupboard
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?!
asking for acknowledgement from my bf's mother, is it wrong?
close to 11 months of our togetherness
perhaps i'm really wrong for asking to much.
i was darn wrong in the first place.
as much as i want to let go..i know you cant..
but please let go.any moment you're ready i'll go.
i'm just a burden to you.
i'm not the one you would like.
i really really dont want the life we're having now.
i dont want sex.
i dont want to feel bad.
i just want you to keep to your promises.
but i know you cant..

11 months..it's just a pretend relationship.

I"M SO TIRED!!
but still, im busy using the laptop.
YES THE LAPTOP!
it's officially hers now!
i dont see any reason why laptop is nedded for nursing
Essays, ICAs...anything else that will need laptop?
BIAS-NESS!!!
okies back to my tired-ness.
afternoon shift ytd, back home then trained dowm to outram to meet him.
trained again to bishan, went Thomson for supper.
was too late & i didnt wan to cab back so stayed over at his place.
hmmm..was a mistake to stay over.HAIS.
cabbed back around 7am.
actually dont have to cos both parents are not home!
wanted to lie on my bed asap but now that i'm home..
i've been using laptop for 3 hours!
watching WGM on youtube & dozing off soon..

geez what should i do?
got to hand in my case study on monday!
just done with the copying(from case file) on friday.
yet to do any research on that particular case or what-so-ever.
got to finish it once i wake up!
working tmr.i'm dead tired now!

oh.CI mentioned that she knew our PRCP posting already
but she refused to disclose anything!!!
SOBS!
got to start looking for more difficult task to do in the ward next week!
nervous for PRCP!!
got to sleep now!

i need sleep!
one more morning shift & i'm left with 2 afternoons for this week
& it's 2 more weeks till my 1 week break!
yet to do my case study which is due on next monday!

life's not so good this few days.
sigh.
i was waiting for something..
but i dont need that anymore..
just waiting for you to let go.
cos right from the start, u didnt wanted this.
it was a mistake.
let go, find the one that you want.

Hajar bought me a hand held fan ytd
it was a sweet gesture from her.
we are just friends who seldom talk to each other in the past, other than during attachments
but during that 4 weeks break we would meet up to study for the geron posting.
we werent really close, but when she went for holiday in indonesia, she got me a gift.
it made me look back..
being my friends, who once received things from me?
i often thought i was being a good friend.
i dont show my feelings easily, but i do care for my friends.
yet, for some, not even once have they receives anything from me.
with my once close friends from sec sch, most if the time i'm the one receiving cos i'm the youngest among them.
with the group i'm with in wec sch when my close friends graduated, i'm considered the oldest..
but to this 2 groups, i realised somehow i've not been a good friend.
we still contact each other ,meet up once in awhile..
but i least i still get to hang out with them, as a friend..
throughout my poly life, i often hang out with this 2 friends.
with then around, i feel less alone, happier.
without them, i feel so empty. Like a lost sheep wandering.
A RN already. I feel happy for her. Finally graduating after 3 years.
greater responsibilities, more roles..it's hard, but she can do it!
The other is having her attachment now.
exposing herself to more clinical skills & knowledge.
busy reading up on her theories, polishing her skills..
both of them will really be great staff nurses (:
i didnt do anything for them in this 3 years..
i had been a bad friend..
if there's a chance, probably i can get to do things for them.
take care, my darlings (:

sigh.life is just so unpredictable.
today a relative asked me
"how do you feel if anything happens to your patient?"
"you guys dont feel anything right? Because you are not related to them."
It got me shocked.
i know i'm supposed to'cut of ties' with patients if the get discharged or something.
but how can she say we, nurses, dont feel anything?
My patient, under my care, i treat them like my relatives or friends.
even grandmother & grandfathers.
.....
it may be just a simple question.
but it left me thinking alot.
till now, i cant get it right.

following ortho-geron doc for their doctor's round tmr.
hopefully it's Dr.Leong again.
really learnt alot from him during that 1 hour when i followed him(:

ought to sleep!
it's 1am soon!
OMG! got to make sure i dont fall asleep while taking care of pt!

beautiful sunday.
enjoyed the sea breeze with him at East Coast
went Cheesecake Cafe at 1900hr
............
tat was the past..
never will the second time happen.

the truth is out, but it remains unclear.
i was right in ttm-ing
now everything seems real to me
GIRLSWOMENSEXLIES
it has never left you.
it's in you.
i'm boring, i know.
i wasnt THE ONE in the first place.
utterly disappointed in myself for being with the wrong person
thanks to myself, the trust has once again been broken.

morning shifft later means only few hours of sleep.
last week was my first week in a non-geron ward for geron posting
ite's first year student's work was mostly done by the year threes
siansations plus starvation for the whole week.
got to do case study later on
am so super tired to read up my skills & pharm.
YES! i've not read up anything yet!
today becos of some reasons, i'm not in the studying mode.

cry-to-sleep time now.

worked on sat(17/4) morning till 6pm.
train-ed back to tamp to meet family.
something disgusting happened!!
kena bua by one guy!!
the train is not very packed lor!!
hit his brother with my bag when i was leaving.
but again, on the escalator..EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
queued at singtel for the queue number..parents wants to chhange thingy..
took me ages to get it! & i have to wait for 2 hours for my turn!
queued at pizzahut while waiting for family
finally a table at 2030PM.
went Chomel with sis after dinner..supposed to buy presents for her friends..
but in the end we bought our own stuffs at The Body Shop.
superfluous spending..getting poorer day by day.
& oh..this geron posting i'm not paid that 10 bucks!

busy watching WGM on Youtube.
time 0516AM
ought to be slping but i just cant get to sleep.
forget to see doc to get insomnia pills.will they give me?!

just few hours ago i was on the line with him
was supposed to plan where to go in the afternoon..
sigh..he's busy in the morning with his family, & lunch with family too..
u have no intentions at all for me to meet your mother right?
THANKS, for everything.
& NO, that doesnt hurt at all.
planning for later on..

damn..i have to sleep soon.
if not i have to wait till next week for my next DOs

[If you gather 1000 cranes together,
Love will come true.]

F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G.M.A.D!!!
it's going 1am, i'm still using lappy.
still waiting for someone's goodnight msg.
but these msg seems to be lacking these few days
just dont know what happened, & what's going to happen.
working later at 10.15am
still waiting...
watching korean 'drama'..[We Got Married]. A nice show which shows 4 pairs of celebrity 'couples' staying together blah blah blah..

msg received.think i'll be going to bed disappointed again.
i wonder if u have read that file in your lappy.
but i guess..u would rather read Z's blog than to read my crappy blog.
seriously, why still hang on?
i dont think u really told your mother...
dont u think it's unfair to me?
you always say you are busy.but cant you at least find some time to msg me?
tell me u're starting your break. or call me for awhile?
for the past few nights, i was on morning shift. but no matter how late you end work, i waited for you to return home..waited for your msg..your call..
but no calls....
except last night when you thought i didnt believe you.tats why u called.
you can say you're working till very late
but like you've said, i TTM.
u wan go club or wherever, i dont want to hear a single shit of it.
continue to lie if u must, like how u've been lying..
just make sure i wont know ANYTHING.
it's unfair..but since when have you been fair to me?!
your laptop..have you been expecting me to see those?
deliberately not deleting those clips, those photos & albums..
i ought to tell you..i've saved the album in my phone..
yes i'm dumb.VERY!
but other than hurting myself..
i really dunno what others ways i can do to not love you so much..

someone just reached home..
msged & called me.
yes, i dont believe you!
few minutes of talk,
why did i even waited for you?
next week midnight shift?
an excuse for you to go clubbing too..

really tired already...
really cant wait for the day to let everything go..
it will hurt, definitely.
we are just going nowhere now.

morning shift later on.
work at HP tmr morning.
sunday....stoning at my aunt's place.
sigh!

yes my headache is finally slightly better!
waking up on my 3rd day of attachment..
i need to read up on stuffs which i already know!
tat SN asked me on insulin injection, i've answered correctly!!
DAMN!!
the ITE year 1s asked me some abrevations which the SNs dont even know!
yahh & i have to find out wat is it!

the lappy is locked with password!
& sheree has put her own user!
sobs..
okok..need to dig out all my stuffs( all my notes)

work at 1pm later on..
hais..
when can we meet?

first day in ward 36.
damn bored.surgical ortho ward..
are we going to change to the other geron ward?
ite students are in the ward now!

freakin headache.
still feeling damn unconfortable.

talking to him after his OT..
wad he says doesnt go into my tiny brain..
sigh..he's only in his year 3..
how long more....?

sleeping soon.fucking headache

how many days have i not used the com?
oh.he took back his lappy.maybe didnt want me to continue exploring his lappy.
the family com is down too..
so no lappy for me to use ):
work on sat & sun..so tiring..
i'm so not prepared for my attachment tmr!!!
sigh..been feeling so so so sad these few days..
ya my fault, i'm not going to care anymore.
shouldnt have expected to meet u after work today
haaa..so foolish of me to think u would surprise me..
ya..your mother is more important...
now i'm thinking that, u lied about that thing..
sigh sigh..
super not feeling well..my stomach..
had fever halfway through work..
guess u wun even care..

attachment!!!
i'm working at HP on sat too..
guess this sun..your off day.....
no no no..shouldnt put any hopes on this day..

shall stop my mind from going mad further..
SLEEP NOW WENDY!!!

been stoning at home these few days
stomach has been unwell for so many days ):
he's home already.& i really dunno wad to say to him
TTM too much already ba..

tmr morning..he says he's coming over.
should i go to his area later in the morning so he can rest more?

watching taiwan's entertainment..
been using much of his laptop.
shouldnt use too much, sadness only.

Singpass & iBanking's letter here.
finaly done with both (:

stoned again.
doing my notes while watching the last few episode of the korean drama
watching HARRRY POTTER from the first movie

din meet him in the morning..
gymming is more important..
i guess now i dont have to prepare to leave for CQ
his parents fetching him after work..

dummb of me to keep trying to do something for us
it's all useless..all crap!!

the more i use his laptop, the more disappointed i get.
sll i wan is just something which says US..
& all i see is that pathetic photos you have.
the album in your com..it's nice..looks like your wedding photoshoot

i'll be busy for the next 4 weeks..
we'll have lesser time to meet le ba..
though i keep saing i'll get use to it'
i know...everything is uselss..

busy doing my note book.
yes, im still stucked at year one skills.
like ive said, 2 more days of stoning.
wanna work soon, at least i wont anyhow think.
was on the phone with him before he sleep..
lots in my mind, but all i dunno how to tell him..

feeling unwell in the tummy..
applied medicated oil & ate the powdery medicine..
not supposed to eat spicy stuffs but i ate the sambal/chinchalok stingray that mummy cooked :(

i said im trying to forget everything
but you know i cant
i cant stop being crazy to think bout those stuffs..
i want us to do things to show we're together..
but i know we cant...

putting those stuufs behind..
u're on afternon shift tmr..
thinking of going to your area..
send you to work.......

intended to blog this early morning..
but bcos someone off the wireless so din manage to post it.

emoing until 7AM before i fell asleep.
he lent me his laptop
found some undesirable things in it..
had some arguements with him...
was on the phone with him early on..
i find that i really cant go on like this anymore.
why cant we just be like normal couple?
i cannot be together with someone who is extremely cunning..
i really dont wan to keep guessing what else would i encouter when i'm with you.
the photos...everything..
i'm really trying hard to convince myself that we're happy together
trying my best to forget everything.
but i really dunno how long more i can take this.
how long more do i have to take to make myself feel better.

lots running through my mind
suppressing all feelings can be so hard..

2 more days of stoning
work on sat & sun..
attachment starts next monday
just hope everything would be alright
numb myself from all those shit!

been stoning at home for the past few days
met hajar to study the skills, abd now i'm still stucked at year 1's skills
:P
last sat & sun working at HP
worked for 20 hours over the last 2 days
din go for supper with colleages, if not i'll be worse than zombie today..
woke up late today..
used com, watched korean drama on PPS
reading up the skills at the same time
last week to rest!!
i'm so so so nervous for my geron posting!!
i'm not yet prepared!!
heard today tat 1 of my groupmates failed her PRCP so she has to take 2 months of posting..
pt fell,commnication errors blah blah blah..
i dont want all these to happen to me!
damn it! no matter what i want to pass my PRCP & be a knowledgable SN!!

mummy's back from work, with terry.
super hungry..
chicken rice!! YUM!! ((:

his off day tmr..
hmmm..things are not well between us..sobs..
though it pierce my heart deep, but i'm trying not to care so much now..
i cant do it..but i'll try.. ):
wonder where we'll go tmr..disappointment again?

last few days left!
i wanna go JB to eat! eat! eat!
LOL.
but my bloody pay doesnt allow me
got to return sis money
retake my RTT this month..
oh..my phone bill is here again!
2 months' bill not yet paid ):

freaking headache is persistantly after me again!