been busy with attachments, no time to blog!
had a rather long weekend after my morning shift on thurs.
met his colleages for dinner - steamboat at Bugis.
Super uncomfortable just sitting there eating..
no common topic...
sent me home after dinner
disappointed...
wasted my friday stoning at home
went out only at night, for dinner with family.
walked around Parkway Parade for awhile..
thought of buying watch...
was jioed to club..but..haiis..
whole night didnt get to sleep
was webcamming with WS until 5 plus am.
bought mac home for yang, sis & me
met WS at simei at close to 4pm, trained down to ciy hall.
walked around Suntec, did my stuffs, went looking for Dylan's present..
got to go down Suntec again to collect stuffs.
walked for so long but din managed to buy anything for Dylan):
but i bought a polo for daddy(:
Thanks WS for acc-ing me walk around ((:
Wendy was back.
like finally let free, once again..
if i could go back to that time, i want to go!

Sigh.it's just tomorrow..
i know i'm going to be disappointed again.
For sure....
i've waited a year for it.
i know i will get nothing..
just a cheap, simple one..NO! i will get none!
i'm prepared to be disappointed, but...it still will hurt ALOT!
your stubborn-ness will really kill me one day.
i swear i'll go mad because of you!
i dont belong to your world.
money, power, whatever shit, I DONT BELONG THERE!
I DONT CARE ABOUT THOSE LIFE!
i care about my own life.
being with you is not the life i want anymore.
Forgive me, your not understanding girlfriend.

tomorrow is also the day which marks my first day taking on cases!
i really hope i'll do well.
pardon me for making small mistakes,
pardon my forgetfullness,
pardon communication skills,
pardon my clinical knowledge & reasoning &
pardon my medications.
i am really trying hard to improve all these.
i really want to do my best to be an awesome nurse.
i want to do my part for other people's love ones.
please pray that i wont screw up my entire posting.
i cant imagine what will happen if i fail my PRCP.
next DO on is this coming wed.
meeting fidah(: will everything be alright?

Forgive me, till now i still cant stop TTM.
i really hate it when i am prepared for disappointments yet i am so badly affected.

spent 3/4 of my first DO stoning at home
folding all those darned clothes that has been on the sofa for ages!

met him at Raffles City, had dinner at Shokudo( spelt correctly?)
walk around post-dinner
headed back to simei for Starbucks.
stoned there till bout 11, see him board bus before i came home.

im really unsure bout us.
i was really hoping to enjoy the evening with you..
but..i just dunno why..
we planned to meet at city hall, u were at RC's basement when i reached
alright..
i decide the meeting place, u decide the food.
im not that keen to have jap food but seeing u wanted to try, so ya we went in.
was pissed already, and u took super long to get your food.
alright..nevermind..
i felt bad when your food went cold while waiting for mine
& seeing that u made sure the food isnt hot before giving me..
window shopping at RC is alomst same as at Ion
oh yes, im cheap from head to toe, so why bother going places with those high end shops.
that's your heaven, my restricted area.

i dont want u to smoke so waited for bus with you.
i guess, it doesnt help much.
oh ya, which bf will quit smoking for the sake of his gf.
other guys might, definitely not mine.
maybe cos im really not his ultimate one.
Love, is nothing but merely a word.

u wanted to call, but u said u wanted to rest early..
im sorry but i felt kinda sad.
both of us working in the afternoon tmr(or today) & i start work early..
i would sacrifice my sleep to talk to you for hours.
ya thats me if i can. & im not saying u would.
perhaps im really taking up too much of your time
maybe now 15 mins to you is already long enough.
i really dont know how many times im saying this, but i think u really dont need me.
unsure of your feelings, even after so long together..
still feeling so insecure, even after so long together..
i rather cry for that one or two months..than to cry every other day for the rest of the time we are together..
you dont care, isnt it?

your mummy received the card already..
i guessed u've seen it too?
i could only think of those to write.
but it wasnt really what i wanted to write initially.
i was so scared that i would write anything wrong
worrying about this & that..
but you dont care!
why would i even bother to write a card to your mother?
oh fuck! im crying again!

anyways, graduation is over.
been looking at their photos, envy only..
it's so sad not being able to graduate with NR0720 ( especially with fidah & shida)
i really miss them so much, i would have been a solo ninja throughout my 3 years if not for them. but i guess it's all fated
& that i'm too dumb to fail that bloody french becos of the lecturer!
at least they once accompanied me walk to this far...THANK YOU(:
congratulations to shida, officially a NYP graduate
may everything goes well for you in future(:

afternoon shift later on
Hajar afternoon too!
hopefully get to meet her at the busstop after work.
it's really depressing not to see my friends at work..
i dont have anyone to talk to already..
i heard one can aggrevate the cancer cells if he/she always bottle things up.
OMG! cant i die from other illness other than cancer?!

it's getting late, 02:26AM!!
zombie tmr..hais..

i've been getting more & more irritable recentlu
due to PMS? probably..
raised my voise to one elderly in the afternoon
he insisted on getting down when he cant walk unassisted!
shouted at him when he suddenly turned aggressive.
luckily he will be transferring out by the time i start shift on thurs

doing junior(ENs)'s work this 3 weeks
even though it's EN's work, it's freaking tiring!
bathing, changing, feeding, dressing, parameters& charting all!!!
salute them!
8 more days of being a junior!

waited for him to finish work again
his messages, his calls...
talked less than 5 mins, cant wait to put it down.
just dont call if you're really that tired!
& yes, no idea why this few days, weeks i talk to him i will feel so F up
tmr my off, he working morning. but until 7pm. is it really a must to do OT?
you're only there for attachment lor!
sunday u off, but i working at hush.
even if im not working, dont think we can meet in the morning/afternoon also right?
if im not working, bet i'll grumble again..
cos u didnt even think of planning to let me meet your mum!
i'm such a disgrace to you right?!
sigh.i want to stop all these stupid things that i'm doing for us.
xin hui yi leng...
ever wonder how sour your heart can get?
or how can one sudddenly feel pressure over the heart, cant breath in?
i just cant do anything to help that.

You dont belong to me, & I dont belong to you.
As much as i want to belong to you...I cant..cos you dont allow.
NOTHING to show that we belong together.
That NOTHING i will not wait any longer..
just waiting for you to let go.
i cant let go if you dont.
why cant you just let me leave?

Fetching him from work tmr.or later. At 7.30PM
where to go? what to do?
life's so boring with a bf like this.
why cant he just decided everything like a normal guy would?
bet he'll ask me where to have dinner tmr.
& obviously i would choose somewhere cheap, like fastfood.
& window shopping after dinner!
i just hate to walk, do you even know that?
i hate to walk around aimlessly, especially when my legs are in pain.
Bet you dont even know, wouldnt even care.
Guy just like to do certain things their way.

prediction for tonight: freaking bad mood!

i copied this from someone's blog.
couldnt help but feel sad each time i read this.

=================A True Life Reflection================

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. ‘cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have fail to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my kid, and failed to be the dad and mum for my kid.

There was one particular day, when i had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home.. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the ‘problem’…. a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

“Dad, I was hungry and there wasn’t any more leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But i remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence i turn on the shower and used the hot water fro! m the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till u return. But I forgot to remind you ‘cos I was playing with my toys…I am sorry Dad…”

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks…but I didn’t want my son to see his dad crying…so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the showerhead on to mask my cries….

After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son’s room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy….

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he! is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regrets. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son’s absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn’t to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, ‘I am sorry, Dad’. But after much probing, I realized that it was a ‘Talent Show’ organized by his school and the invite is for every student’s mummy and that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy…..

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. ‘cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It’s winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by…xmas carols and frantic shoppers….but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day’s work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn’t help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ‘ I’m sorry, Dad’ and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: ” But why did you post so many letters, at one time?” My son’s reply was: ” I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once…”

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say….

I told my son, ” Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promis ing that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn’t help opening one of the letter before they turned to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart….

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a ‘Talent Show’ in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our! own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. ‘cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife…..

For the females with children:

Don’t do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime ma! y not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men:

Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.

Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.

Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones

1 week break over!
stoned the first few days..
prepared for winnie's surprise birthday celebration
mummy & me had to prepare so secretly, even asking her bf oout in the middle of the night to help us with the shopping.
SAT was the day!
but the STAR was down with fever,probably dengue.
still we continued prepare the stuffs
enjoyed the evening by the beach (:
& yes he(marcus) has seen almost all my relatives.
so unfair..
wonder will i ever see his parents?....
guess we're just too uneducated for u & your family.
probably just me thinking too much.SIGH!

8 more hours & i'll be at CGH awaiting to start my PRCP.
yet to relly study.hope first day will be alright.
shall note down all common ward medication...
hope the staffs are really nice.
oh.i got my schedule already.
first off day this wed.pretty fast, but i'll be so alone on sat
checking out the others schedule too.
they have afternoon shift on saturdays too, but i dont!
YEAH!
3 night shifts on the second last week of my posting
& i think some have more than 3 nights!
LUCKY i only have 3!

checking out some stuffs online before i retire for the night..

someone's home & she complain that she cant get to use HER laptop.
WHATEVER!!


ohoh! thanks HAJAR! for accompanying me walk around tamp just to find shoe
hehe.first time really going shopping with you
meowing all the way.LOL!
we really have no time to meet each other once attachment start
i just found out our shift are all so different!
cant i just change ward with Fadhill or you change with Joyce?!?!
anyways, i miss you, meow!

In fact i miss all my friends who were with me all this 3 years.
most are graduating very very very soon!
happy for them , deep down from within my heart, i swear!
& fidah, all the very very very best for your PRCP.
you'll be doing as good as the staff nurses in no time (:
see you when we go back to NYP on August 6!

whole body aching..& my wrist is still pain after the pole hit my nerve!

like as if you would care!

can i believe him?

he's sick, therefore cant contact me that frequent
am i being too much?
asking for too much?

wanted to send him to work,
wanted to take care of him on thurs,
wanted him to meet my relatives,
wanted him to camp overnight
but...he cant...

i want him to let go.
all these days, weeks, months..
everything isnt the same anymore.
we dont have time for each other now
next few weeks, months will be even worse..

skipped working today at TP today
home the whole day watching dramas onnline on 2 coms :P

sigh..
is it me or there's something really happening?

feeling so uncomfortable now..
hajar was here in the evening
applied for job already, took us hours to submit it!
was chit chatting about everything!
she saw the photos that he took with his ex....
& of cos i saw it to.haiis..
how long do i have to take to forget this?

working tmr at tanjong..
dun feel like going but..no choice..have to finish things for her..
5 more days of rest..
yet i have no time (lazy) to study!!

when will we meet?
HAIS..

my geron posting is finally over!
but...PRCP is in a geron ward -.-
parent's seminar on sat
mummy was so interested, asked questions.
mummy's day on sunday
HAPPY MUMMY'S DAY!!
celebrated at yi's place, bought mango fruit cake (:

i wonder if his mum received the card..
lousy card...hais..

he afternoon shift tmr
cant meet him..
suddenly i miss him so much..haiis..


should sleep early..
haiis..

the letter should have reached its destination by now
it was wrong to do such stupid thing!
wanted to fetch him after work
but his slow reply, i didnt go down
his parents fetching him anyways..

am i really putting too much into this relationship?
why when he doesnt even do anything?
i'm just waiting to get disappointed again!

sis's bday next sun
planned something, told him long ago already
but he doesnt make any effort to rmb it
& of cos, he'll be working.
why did i ask him to go
i dont want him to see my relatives

i'm just so cheap,
unable to articulate well
unable to do things that a gf iss supposed to do
many things.
i feel so ashamed of myself.
i'm just not worthy!

sch tmr for parent's seminar
was hoping he could at least try to persuade his mother to let him stay over
or perhaps just rmb the timing & meet me in sch before the seminar
has he ever initiated anything?
it is really.......boring.......being with you...
11 months...of nothing..

been worrying alot since i wrote that card.
i wrote rubbish!
such disgrace, OMG!!
what's the use of giving his mother a mummy day card..

HSE is fking boring!
bring elderly for exercise, exercise & exercise!
dancing session, mahjong session.
never play mj with elderly.
they are either too pro, or they totally anyhow play!
not that i dunno how to play mj, i'm lousy at it
but today, those grannies made me super duper BLUR cos each other hav their own 'way' of playing, & they insist i follow their 'way' -.-
plus.FREE SUANA!!
what's with the weather?!
free slimming session too =x

no movie today with yihan. kena ps by him ):
tired from doing nothing at HSE, slept once i reached home.
sat going sch for some seminar.so boring
but mummy wants to go..
his off day too.
hmmm..probably spending the day with is mum ba.
pre mummy's day celebration.

when will the letter reach the address.
NERVOUS!

did something most stupid today
or rather yesterday?
i bought mother day's cards
to mummy & her friends, and his mum.
i'm completely out of my mind to do that - a card for his mum?!
why would i bother when he doesnt?
it's expensive can?!?! for his mum's only!
was cracking my pea brain thinking what to write in the card.
wrote it after several hours, but dont think it was a nice one.
friends who are puzzled as to why i kept staring st the card, was asking why was i taking so long to write a card to my mother.
in the end they know it's not for my mum, but his.
biggest joke of the universe!
hahas..almost a year tgt yet i'm writing to someone whom i've not met!
whatever. i shall close my ears to those remarks.
hajar posted it for me cos i was hesitant to drop it into the mailbox.

had a some break from work ytd (tuesday)
played captain's ball against ward 45 for about 30 mins
2 SNs, Mimi, Hajar & I.
sisters was watching & cheering for us.LOL
we lost but it was fun (:
probably in future i could play for 45 :p
sisters treated us to drinks, rested for 15 mins in the canteen.
anw.though it's only 30 mins, my toe had huge blister!
skin already peeling & it was fucking pain when i put melolin.LOL
we wore the staff's scrub suit so when we re-enter ward
the ITEs plus the staffs said we really look like SNs!!
only for that night.
Hajar & I was busy taking pix :p

last day in ward.
slacked most of my time in the ward.
yes i know my PRCP ward already - WARD 45!!
geron ward,full of humans passing away! OMG!!
worse still, i'm alone with HER!!
face changes IMMEDIATELY when CI told us.WTF!!
had a short talk with Karen. about my posting to 45
so obvious tat i'm super unhappy can?!
didnt want to tell her bout HER, so just sad bout the passing away & stufs.
I DO FEEL!!
it's really depressing seeing patients falling into never-awake sleep
it's even depressing when there's no one to talk these feelings to.
given that i'm a emotional human,
i cant help by cry the moment Karen start to talk about those never-awake patients.
i'm gonna be in 45 with a super duper heavy heart!
WARD45!! Hope i'll survive!

HSE later on at tampines polyclinic.
gonna be a boring place.
rehab, entertain etc
why do we have to have HSE posting?

yihan is not free to watch movie with me
i wanna watch!
but no interesting shows.
BORING!

planning our days next week with Hajar.
probably going NYP to pay her fees - dunno when.
watch movie, gonna apply for job, hmmm...JB?!
i'm meeting her on wed!! LOL
but got to stay home, update my clinical knowledge.

waiting for someone to text me upon reaching home.
guess i'm no longer important.
can i just leave?

only slept for 5 hours.
& he's not coming.
should i send a happy mummy day card to his mum?
hais.feel so weird right?
preparing for work le.hais

time: 0350AM
facebook games taking over my sleep time.

counting down last 3 days in ward 36
a little slack with the ITEs around
but that EN keep asking me to do things
i've probably done most of her work!
damn it!
new SNs are in CGH! Orientations plus lectures these few days.
sian muang is in SICU!! i wanna go dere too!
LOL!!
heard some from Gr 20 is in A&E, PaedsICU, OT..blah blah..
cant wait for myself to become a staff nurse!
i'm still wondering where my PRCP will be..
normal medical/surgical ward..hmmm..
please let me go 49
i dont care if it's a respi ward, i just wanna go dere!
2 more afternoon shifts (:

he's coming in the morning later on
sending me to work.
sigh. Is there a need?
really wish dere is someone to hear me out ):

mummy's day this coming sun!!!
i'm not working~!
probably going aunt's place with cake.
he'll be spending the day with his parents ba
wish to celebrate mummy's day with him & his mummy
but hais, it's impossible.

sleep now wendy!
huge panda wil be staring at you in the mirror tmr!

should i apply KKH?

foolish to the max!
sigh!

last week of attachment in ward 36
last 3 days of afternoon shift actually.
supposed to be morning cos last fri was morning.
anyway, 3 afternoon shifts in cgh & 2 8-4 shift in tamp polyclinic

making plans for my 1 week break.
everything seems so...
no mood for anything..
have i mentioned anything bout our 11 month?
nothing worth to mention anyway
just wanna say how bored i am..
how unromantic is this relationship.LOL!!
& how stagnant we are now.
be selfless, think carefully.
am i the right person for you?
or i'm really the right toy for you to play with.

2.22am
called him just now
but of course he's in dream land already
wake up wendy!
why would he bother msging or calling you?!

Cant i act?
i want to be alright. i want to not love you.
can i?
how foolish of me to actually believe that you would change.
but for heaven's sake! you know you cant.
& you have not tried to even!
how i wish i'm really a puppet, to let you play around without getting hurt.
YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, NOT SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
i'm just a dispensable toy, nothing else.
just end it now..

worked today(first may)
it's our 11 month tgt.
useless 11 month.
those days we spent together..all rubbbish!
build up with rubbish, lies, acting, empty promises, blah blah blah.
dont give me those craps again.
EVERYTHING are lies!
you are just a selfish, self-centered guy who does EVERYTHING for your own interest, own satisfaction!
what crap bout your father.
i pity him for having you as his son.
pity him for wasting his effort teaching you while he was with you.
pity him for having so high hopes of you.
i will recite prayers to him on your behalf.
if you really wanted to be a good son, you can control EVERYTHING!
your emotions, your behaviour, your body, your soul.
but no! you chose to take the wrong step again & again.
i was also dumb to continue to trust you.
this time, you can play with me all you wan.
do it as long as you think you are right.
you made my heart numb!
i can no longer love you. no longer see you as a man, but a beast.
think about your father before you do everything.
think of the life that he wanted you to have.
think of the life you're having now.
think of what he will say to you when he appear in your dreams..
do what you wan to me.I already did too much mistakes to myself.
the trust that we once had..
it will never be back again.

i'm so disappointed in myself.
every single thing, none i did it right.
i was actually really close to giving up taking bike licence
but somehow..the thrill of riding bike on the road...
how i wish 1 accident could take me away.
or at least make me as miserable as possible.
life is not important to me anyway..
am still deciding..hmmm....

i think i did alot, not for you, but for this relationship.
is it always a one-sided affair?
i always thought it would be so sweet if a partner wait & fetch the other partner after work
or if one ask the other out, the 'ask-er' would have to plan the schedule for the day.
or have a tea session occasionally, have a heart to heart talk with each other.
get to know each other's preference for most of the things.
or once in awhile have a surprise....
or....just sit by the beach enjoy the sea breeze/star-gazing in each others' arm..
but those...would not be possible..
you would rather hold someone else in you arms.
i thought of meeting you after your work
but the thought of your mother fetching you..haaa..i cant be seen..den i have to go home alone..
or..i would have waited like an idiot for you till next day.
i should stop being an idiot.
pestering you like you step on dog-poo.

time to sleep. mind is blank now.
dozing of from all the waiting, the crying, the sad-ness.
11 months...
every first day of the month..it will not matter to me anymore.

& i'll be changing my URL some time next week.
it's becoming so much like my personal written dairy that i find it stupid to rewrite it in my written dairy.
no one's reading it anyway.
he favorited it in his laptop, but it'll be Z's one that he'll be reading.
yes, my heart is aching.
but nobody cares. thanks so much.