Cant i act?
i want to be alright. i want to not love you.
can i?
how foolish of me to actually believe that you would change.
but for heaven's sake! you know you cant.
& you have not tried to even!
how i wish i'm really a puppet, to let you play around without getting hurt.
YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, NOT SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
i'm just a dispensable toy, nothing else.
just end it now..

worked today(first may)
it's our 11 month tgt.
useless 11 month.
those days we spent together..all rubbbish!
build up with rubbish, lies, acting, empty promises, blah blah blah.
dont give me those craps again.
EVERYTHING are lies!
you are just a selfish, self-centered guy who does EVERYTHING for your own interest, own satisfaction!
what crap bout your father.
i pity him for having you as his son.
pity him for wasting his effort teaching you while he was with you.
pity him for having so high hopes of you.
i will recite prayers to him on your behalf.
if you really wanted to be a good son, you can control EVERYTHING!
your emotions, your behaviour, your body, your soul.
but no! you chose to take the wrong step again & again.
i was also dumb to continue to trust you.
this time, you can play with me all you wan.
do it as long as you think you are right.
you made my heart numb!
i can no longer love you. no longer see you as a man, but a beast.
think about your father before you do everything.
think of the life that he wanted you to have.
think of the life you're having now.
think of what he will say to you when he appear in your dreams..
do what you wan to me.I already did too much mistakes to myself.
the trust that we once had..
it will never be back again.

i'm so disappointed in myself.
every single thing, none i did it right.
i was actually really close to giving up taking bike licence
but somehow..the thrill of riding bike on the road...
how i wish 1 accident could take me away.
or at least make me as miserable as possible.
life is not important to me anyway..
am still deciding..hmmm....

i think i did alot, not for you, but for this relationship.
is it always a one-sided affair?
i always thought it would be so sweet if a partner wait & fetch the other partner after work
or if one ask the other out, the 'ask-er' would have to plan the schedule for the day.
or have a tea session occasionally, have a heart to heart talk with each other.
get to know each other's preference for most of the things.
or once in awhile have a surprise....
or....just sit by the beach enjoy the sea breeze/star-gazing in each others' arm..
but those...would not be possible..
you would rather hold someone else in you arms.
i thought of meeting you after your work
but the thought of your mother fetching you..haaa..i cant be seen..den i have to go home alone..
or..i would have waited like an idiot for you till next day.
i should stop being an idiot.
pestering you like you step on dog-poo.

time to sleep. mind is blank now.
dozing of from all the waiting, the crying, the sad-ness.
11 months...
every first day of the month..it will not matter to me anymore.

& i'll be changing my URL some time next week.
it's becoming so much like my personal written dairy that i find it stupid to rewrite it in my written dairy.
no one's reading it anyway.
he favorited it in his laptop, but it'll be Z's one that he'll be reading.
yes, my heart is aching.
but nobody cares. thanks so much.